Superman sucks, Batman is a dick, and you’re an idiot for liking anything

In the theatre the trailer for Superman 2013 concluded. A smattering of awkward and sparse applause sounded out and I ASK MYSELF WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE SUPERMAN’S BACKSTORY, GUYS, I REALLY THINK WE CAN SKIP THE BACKSTORY THIS TIME. Before we’re even born into this world we know that he comes from Krypton in a rocket with a special fabric that can’t be destroyed for censorship reasons and he grows up in the farm belt and OH GOD I don’t want to hear or see any of it. I don’t want more of Superman’s or Spiderman’s or Batman’s backstory, and yet, a continent away from Hollywood, I can feel Batman’s backstory churning out of the mill once more for Batman 2015. Gosh, can’t let the copyright default on that golden IP. Batman’s story is critical for us to understand and must be repeated at intervals of every 3 years. It’s need to know information for our modern lifestyles.

Origin stories are needed for characters that haven’t really been introduced to the public. You know who needs an origin story? Comet the Superhorse. For fuck’s sake give Powergirl a movie. The only way you can fuck that up is if you don’t go for the costume with the boob window. Just slap a pair of knockers, the super logo, and a release date onto a poster and that’s all the promotion you will ever need right there.

It sells itself. The audience would actually sit through the credits to let their boners die down.

There’s nothing that can make Superman an interesting character. He was relevant back in the 50s when our society was so narrow that the sight of a guy lifting a car was enough to excite a passer-by to involuntarily yell out “JIMMINY WILLICKERS!” because the human brain couldn’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality back then. One second this person was walking down the street, then looking at a magazine stand and the next moment they couldn’t tell if someone was lifting a car??? or maybe they themselves were lifting a car?? They couldn’t figure it out but this shit was happening and it blew their minds.

 

 

The next time Superman was relevant was the 1990s when DC killed him off – hurting the feelings of old people everywhere. It was just more evidence that Generation X was intent on ruining everything good and decent and American. Millennials had yet to start posting nudes of ourselves but we were ready for our contribution to an exponentially increasing amateur porn industry/ black market.

Then they brought him back, then they changed his suit, then they changed his suit back to what it was, then they made some more changes to the suit, then they gave him jeans, and nobody cared because Superman has no personality. Frank Miller of 300 fame knew this. He knew Batman was a boring lifeless personality so he made the story about growing old and a dystopian society. He knew Robin was an inappropriate and unlikable twat so he made him a girl. It was a good time for everyone. The Joker was a wet noodle David Bowie looking character and his role wasn’t the impetus or driving force and it was hardly glamorous. Can you imagine that? I can’t.

Because I feel the need to rate things and I envision this as a sort of review, I’ll give the Superman trailer twenty boners down; Powergirl’s boobs a thousand boners up; Frank Miller’s Robin from Batman: Dark Knight Returns I’ll give ninety hundred boners up. Of course, I’m a robot and I don’t fully understand what a boner is but it seems like an appropriate way to rate entertainment.

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